Dying.
‘Cause every once in awhile
You think about if you’re gonna get yourself together
You should be happy just to be alive
And just because you don’t feel like comin’ home
Don’t mean that you’ll never arrive.
You think about if you’re gonna get yourself together
You should be happy just to be alive
And just because you don’t feel like comin’ home
Don’t mean that you’ll never arrive.
“
| — | Move on by Jet |
I think it’s great for two people to be together. That is a good number. I think, that to keep it alive though, you can’t spend every day together. It wears out the magic, Love means nothing to me if it’s not fortified with fierce, painful longing, brief explosive instances of furious passion and intimacy and then a sad parting for a time. In that way, you can give your life to it and still have a life of your own. I think some couples spend too much time together. They flatten out the potential for experience by constant closeness. Passion builds over time like steam. Let it rage until it’s exhausted and then leave it alone to let it build up again. Why can’t love be insane and distorted? How can it be vital if it has the same threshold as normal day-to-day experience?
Why can’t you write burning letters and let your nocturnal self smolder with desire for one who is not there? Why not let the days before you see her be excruciating and ferment in your mind so on the day you go to the airport to pick her up, you’re nearly sick with anticipation? And then when desire shows the first sign of contentment, throw it back it its cage and let it slowly build itself back into a state of starved fury. Then when you are together, it all matters. So that when you look into her eyes, you lose your balance, so that when she touches you, it feels like you have never been touched before. When she says your name, you think it was she who named you. When she has gone, you bury your face in the pillow to smell her hair and you lie awake at night remembering your face in her neck, her breathing and the amazing smell of her skin. Your eyes go wet because you want her so bad and miss her so much. Now that is worth the miles and the time. That matches the inferno of life. Otherwise you poison each other with your presence day after day as you drag each other through the inevitable mundane aspects of your lives. That is the slow death that I see slapped on faces everywhere I go. It’s part of the world’s sadness that’s more empty than cold, poorly lit rooms in cities of the American night.
“
| — | Henry Rollins (via prozacrock) |
Sitting here in tears
Life always seems to make choices for you. Or for me, at least. I’m such an indecisive person, especially when it comes to something super significant in my life. A few years back I had to deal with a horrible, emotionally abusive stepdad every other week. I couldn’t escape from it and nobody besides my friends would listen. I wanted to stop going over to that house, but that would mean losing my mom and my beloved pets (as bad as it sounds they were mostly what kept me going over there - I felt as if I needed to protect them. They were what always comforted me through the pain.) But then around the middle of my first semester of freshman year of high school my mom got sick. My stepdad forbid me from seeing her and the bi-weekly visits soon completely stopped. It was undeniable heartbreak being denied a mom for the most crucial years of my adolescence. But in the end, it turned out for the better. I think I’m more emotionally stable having stayed at my dad’s for most of high school. And the experience really made me grow up and gain a lot of wisdom about how the world really works.
So life made that decision for me. I couldn’t decide whether to stay or go, and the circumstances forced me to leave. And tonight another decision was made.
My constant doubt about EVERYTHING makes me feel like I need to end wonderful things to see what else is out there. In reality, I never want those things to end…ever. But I guess God got tired of me wondering about what could be and made that decision for me. I think I lost a best friend tonight, and this pain isn’t going to go away for quite a while, I’m sure.
But if I’ve learned one thing through my life experiences is that though life can throw a lot of curve balls and heartbreak your way, you can always survive it. And in the end, it will make you a better person for it. You’ll be wiser, more open-minded, and have the ability to help those in need who are experiencing similar difficulties. I hope I can take this pain and turn it in to something productive and meaningful. I mean, isn’t that what life’s all about - making beauty out of horror?
