So a guy acquaintance is texting me and I tell him I won’t be going out drinking for awhile, mainly due to the fact I have no debit card.
He asks why I don’t just get free drinks from guys.
I say I don’t dig the expectations that come along with that.
He says “what’s wrong with a few of those?”
Oh I don’t know, what IS wrong with a guy expecting some sort of (usually) physical payback when he spends a couple of dollars on a drink for a girl?
I’m going to vomit.
A lot of people couple peace with solitude. But the most monstrous times in my life, where my mind was crumbling and my heart was hardening, were the times I was alone. The days that I shut myself off in my room for hours, slept all day, avoided people, avoided work, avoided school, avoided living, were my absolute darkest. Sure, some days there is comfort in solitude. But finding peace is about embracing life. It is about embracing experiences, it is about embracing pain and heartbreak and disappointment. It is about facing the terrifying, hard parts of life and conquering them. It is about letting your heart and your mind feel all of the feelings they possibly can, and then moving on. So sure, recently I’ve made mistakes. I’ve kissed boys I shouldn’t have kissed, I’ve consumed too much liquor, and I’ve woken up feeling cheap and lonely. But I wouldn’t trade these past few months for anything. I’ve learned, I’ve grown. I’ve figured out what I want out of life, what I want out of friendships and relationships. Sometimes I’m still the silly girl that sends too many text messages, and the verbal fool who talks too much when she’s nervous. But those times when I am so utterly self-conscious and doubtful of the whole person I am are the times that I walk away most confident from. I will continue to stumble and fall into my peace that I have worked so hard to achieve.
So embrace life. Love. Detach. Reattach. Smile. Laugh. Sing. Cry. Scream. Hit something. Find peace by actually living.